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.Christmas: Holiday Eating Tips




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1. Do not snack before a party in order to control your eating. The whole point of a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello?

2. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

3. As for mashed potatoes, ask if they're made with skim or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

4. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

5. If you come across something really good, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you will never see them again.

6. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get more than one dessert? Labor Day?

7. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

8. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year. So drink up! Who cares if it's 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not like you'll turn into an eggnog-alcoholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

9. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. Do that in January when there's nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read the tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"