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Grease Is Unpredictable

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Remember that grease is unpredictable, like a fickle lover -- you will sometimes get burned. Ice-cold water is the proper antidote. The idea is to reduce the skin's temperature; otherwise it will continue to burn, and the damage can continue for several minutes. Of course, you can always wear long white evening gloves. Understand that you may still end up with a scar despite your best intentions, despite all precautions. Some people will push up their sleeves and reveal literal wounds -- deep-fried scallops, 1986; okra, 1977. Others will feel compelled to list the names of burned-out romances -- Jim, 1978; Will, 1997. Read lots of poetry, substituting "frying" for "love." Tell yourself that it is far better to have fried and failed than never to have fried at all. If that doesn't work, misquote Bertrand Russell: "To fear frying is to fear life."

-- Michael Lee West, from "Consuming Passions: A Food-Obsessed Life."