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Children...

Source of Recipe

butlerwebs.com


List of Ingredients

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing.

Submitted by ARareJewel

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There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

Obviously.

Submitted by SueCrave

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

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Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two and keep away from the children."

Submitted by BBuzz58

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The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

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Funny Ads & Bloopers

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog For Sale
Eats anything and is fond of children.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Submitted by Cicec

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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -- Erma Bombeck

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Mom, I'll always love you,
but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

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When I was a coach for Little League Baseball, I used about the same opening speech every year: "We have to use sportsmanship at all times. There will be no yelling at the umpires or other players and no being poor losers. Do y'all understand ?"
At that point the kids would generally nod, then I'd add, "Good! Now please go home and explain all that to your parents."

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The quickest way to get any kid's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

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I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -- wearing nothing but a camera! This is one holiday greeting my family will never forget!

(Author Unknown)
Submitted by YingHouse

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The Best Son

There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking her would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

Submitted by Cicec

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Payback Time!!!

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

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Dear Bubba,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.


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I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield

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At a round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life begin?"
"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "it begins at birth."
"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

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Why Parents Get Gray Hair

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

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Since my 16-year-old son recently received a prepaid cell phone as a gift, I've asked him to use it to call home if he's out past his curfew. One Saturday night while waiting up for him, I dozed off in front of the TV. Later I woke to realize that there was no sign of him, and there had been no call.
Irate, I punched in his number. When he answered, I demanded, "Where are you, and why haven't you bothered to call?"
"Dad," he sleepily replied, "I'm upstairs in bed. I've been home for an hour."

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Did You Know?

February 21st is Mean Mommie Day.

See our special page for an inspirational letter / story:
The Meanest Mother In The World
Copyright© 1967 by Bobbie Pingaro



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Things My Mother Taught Me:

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS.
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

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A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

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Did You Know?

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.



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Links
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

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My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said,
"Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

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When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

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A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."





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